Birth name..

I literally am beginning to feel nauseous when I hear my birth name. 

As much as I love my birth name, and what it meant to me. How it came about, which wasn't very creative, and what it meant to my parents. I.. I don't know. I associate it with misgendering. I associate it with struggle, I associate it with depression, and hate. I associate it with every person that thought it was funny to call me that despite what I asked them to call me. 

It brings back memories of my dad mistreating me and every tear I had shed for feeling confused. I love my story, I am grateful for my past. But I just don't want  to be sad anymore. I want to feel accepted, and just care free for once. Sometimes I want to live stealth and not have anyone know what my struggle is. 

I know that time will come soon, but for now. I want to be referred to my "preferred" name. And nothing else. 

My birth name is not a joke, its not a secret, it's not an insult, its just nothing. It's not me. 

Not anymore.