Day # 12

I was going through some old photos and I couldn’t help but wonder where I went wrong in asking for help. Apart of transitioning when I got older, due to the lack of parental guidance , rose so many questions for me.

As a trans child of a non supportive family there is so much shame and guilt you place on yourself for changing your parents plans in raising you, to the point where it makes you doubt your own identity. So you halt your plans, you in some cases forget what you’ve discovered about yourself and continue trying to force yourself to fit into a mold you gave no permission to be created for you.

I look at these pictures and I’m so grateful for being able to work for the resources I needed to transition. But it makes me wonder about how many children currently feel what I felt, and how many parents are ignoring the signs of depression, anxiety, isolation or guilt their trans/LGBQA children are feeling. I can’t imagine being a parent is easy, but I understand the power that position holds.

As a parent you will affect your children’s lives, dead or alive, present or absent the decisions you’ve made and will make will affect them.

So shout out to all the parents who love their children enough to know they won’t understand everything BUT they must be there for everything. It makes a difference.

Day # 11

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*My scars are airbrushed/filtered in this picture.*

A lot of people ask me how to begin activism within our community and how can they do all the things I do. But just like this picture, my life is filtered on Instagram... this is social media after all. I’ve just gotten to a place where I take 25 pictures instead of 50 to get one good enough to post. I use filters in most of every picture I do post, I make sure my boomerangs capture the two exciting seconds of my evening, I talk about being confident and being encouraged when I have a hard time finding the ability to do those things myself.

I’m just like everyone else I constantly face anxiety when in large groups of people, and I’m awkward ( for real ). It’s very hard for me to make friends and the ones I do have are because they patiently built a relationship with me. I’m very open on social media platforms because I needed someone of color to share their experiences when I was younger. And my social media is just a small reflection of myself.

You don’t need to look exciting or “famous” to help the community.... you just have to care. I’m no more trans or apart of the community than you. So don’t be discouraged to share your story or your experiences.

You could be the person someone is waiting for.

Day # 10

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Today I felt overwhelmed with joy. I look at myself and I see myself. And that may not seem like a huge deal. But it’s all I’ve worked for. And if you’re not trans/queer/GNC, be grateful for the connection you have to yourself. Imagine not being able to recognize be one person you spend all your time with.

Day # 9 TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE

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TRIGGER WARNING : Talk about suicidal thoughts!

People always ask me “how did I do it? How did I begin my transition? How did I get the guts?

The secret is I got tired. My depression was taking over and I realized my disconnection from my physical self had caused me to be suicidal for years.. almost 9 to be exact. Until one day I woke up and realized wait... suicidal people are pros at staying alive. Im still here for a reason. I survived depression, I survived my anxiety and yeah during this time I thought about ending it all each and everyday but I survived. I was now a professional at continuing life when I hated it the most so what was the worst that could happen? That I be happy and survive?

So I took that leap of faith. And remember faith is what you can’t see, I didn’t see where I would be today. And if I could I would go back to tell her that she would end up fine. But I’m glad she took care of it the best way she did. Because now I’m here, and I’m happy, and I’m surviving.

Day #7/8

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Day 7/8 - 1/13-14/18 : #30DaysInTransition

I missed my day 7 yesterday. I’ve been working on my self care. I used to spend so much time finding my happiness in other people and things, and I’m so grateful I’m not wasting time doing that anymore. People think transitioning is full self care, that we’re finally happy, we’re “courageous”, we’re obviously taking care of ourselves being our true “authentic” selves as people always say to me. When in most cases it’s that we have no choice but to do things like have surgery and/or take hormones. Sometimes transitioning is the difference between life and death. And while I choose to live I choose to love myself in this life time, always and fully. Do something to take care of you and only you today, it’s not wrong to be selfish once in a while. 

Day #6

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Day 6 - 1/12/18 : #30DaysInTransition

I remember the first time I came out to my sister. I was working and she visited me as usual. While she waited for me to clock out I told her I had something to talk to her about, which I never say so she made an effort to show me she was listening. I told her I wasn’t feeling comfortable in my body and I wanted to started making changes towards that. I told her I had done research and decided that taking testosterone was what was best for me, because I desired the changes it would make. As I spoke she stared at me, exactly how I figured a mom would stare at their child telling them something as important as what I said. And after listening to me speak on the next steps I was about to make in my life she told me she supported me. She asked me how I felt  and if I was ready for this. And then we cried together. It was because of that conversation I had the strength to move forward in my transition. She has been my number one supporter from as far back as I can remember. She rose me to be the man I am. She supported me when I didn’t have anyone to. And still today she is my other half. Nowhere I go do I go without her. Not in mind body or spirit. Family support is the most important during a transition. If you are the family member of someone that is trans understand that you don’t understand. Realize that your love is the most important and show them how you love them. Ask questions, be there, and be honest. Most of us appreciate that open communication. Thank you I couldn’t have done this without you 

Day #5

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Day 5 - 1/11/18 : #30DaysInTransition 

 

A couple of weeks after returning home from my surgery I went out a few times to see a couple of friends. There was one friend in particular I was excited to see so I could show off my results since they are apart of the Trans community as well. When I got to their house we chilled, talked and right before we left to do whatever it is we were gonna do. I remembered I had surgery and for the first time in front of someone else I enthusiastically took off my shirt and medical binder revealing my results. And when they saw it they looked grossed out. I was so confused and embarrassed that I put my stuff back on. I guess they noticed my reaction because they immediately began to apologize and stated it was because surgery scars freak/weird them out sometimes. Which is understandable right? Sometimes looking at wounds make me feel a little uncomfortable as well. However when I got home and looked in the mirror I cried for hours thinking this was going to be my life now. That when I met someone this was what they were going to do. That they were going to be disgusted or weirded out. What hurt me even more was this came from a fellow trans person. And I thought “if a trans person was grossed out then I’m really gonna go through this with others.” Until a couple of days later I looked at myself again and I couldn’t help but start laughing. After days of reflecting I realized I actually didn’t care about what other people’s opinions on me were. I thought I looked fine as hell. And I was so proud of myself. My scars are my survival, I fought for these scars, lost loved ones, opportunities, and I almost lost myself for these scars on my chest. My scars were now a huge part of me and the body I was blessed with. Don’t let anyone’s opinion on your transition affect you in anyway. YOUR identity and image is what you live in, and that shield you wear is so beautiful. 

Day #4

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Day 4 - 1/10/18 : #30DaysInTransition

Dating while trans is s lot harder than I thought. When I identified as a lesbian all I had to do was find a girl that liked girls, right to the point. However being trans, I have to find straight women who sees me as a man, or queer folk who are okay with me being trans or just someone whom likes me for me. Dating while trans challenged the amount of confidence I had within myself and the love I had for me. But dating while being trans has shown me so much about myself I never knew. I value my time and efforts towards another, I enjoy intimacy and I respect myself a lot more. I gathered that I’ve been through too much to be with someone who doesn’t love me for me. And now I’m ready to make connections that matter. 

Day #3

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Day 3 - 1/9/18: #30DaysInTransition

I remember my first at the barbershop and how frightening it was. I identified as a lesbian at that time and every guy flirted with me, before pushing me aside to the one guy that was willing to cut my long hair. And after 20 minutes of telling me women shouldn’t get their hair cut he shaved off almost half of my head as he shook his head and said he’d never want a woman like me. Today I walk into the barbershop as a transman , this barbershop I go to currently has seen me through my whole transition. And it never gets less scary trying to live up to the hyper masculine profile men of color are given. But this barbershop in particular is my grooming home. The men there have taught me a lot about what being a man of color means in our society. And I’ve gathered that it means building a tough exterior so no one sees you cry. It means trying ten times as hard and still being put into an uneducated, “ghetto” , aggressive, dead beat dad identity. It means growing up fast and not enjoying childhood because you have to be the man of the house and a tough guy on the streets. And despite all those challenges to just live... the men in this shop show me so much life, they are talented, funny, intelligent black men. They are good fathers ( whether they have children or not ) and loyal friends. They are loud, passionate ( about animal planet and sports ), and proud black men. And I couldn’t be happier going anywhere else. Plus I get a fresh cut so lol.. 

Day #2

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Day 2 - 1/8/17: #30DaysInTransition

Deciding to physically transition as a Christian was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Growing up I hated my skin color and was prejudice against most people my color or darker. It took me so long to find love for myself as a curvy black/latina woman in society that when I realized I was transgender I couldn’t fathom changing anything about myself physically. So I decided to identify as a trans man who didn’t “believe” in a physical transition. During that time I received a lot of hate for my ideas and reasonings for not wanting to transition and it caused me to fall into a deep depression. (YOU do not have to physically transition to be trans btw. ) However it was through petition, prayer and fasting that God revealed to that I wasn’t physically transitioning because I hated myself I was doing it because I loved myself. And if God was for me who could stop me from achieving what I thought unobtainable? People in my faith always question my actions and journey. But your relationship with your God or your belief is exactly that... YOURS. And when you have an intimate relationship with someone/something there’s no need to explain what you do. 

Day #1

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#30DaysInTransition- For the next 30 days I will be joining in sharing experiences during my gender transition.

Day 1: After a rough break up last year , I joined Grindr. Not knowing exactly what I was looking for but knowing I was feeling depressed and insecure about my masculinity. As I explored Grindr and met cis(gender) male after male I realized what I was looking for was  validation of my gender. There’s something about a gay cismale being into me a trans man that made me feel so “manly”. However I soon acknowledged that hooking up with random men was no longer the way I wanted to express that. So I searched on forums and support groups only to find thousands other trans men feeling exactly the same. Apart being trans means looking for validation of one’s self, sometimes at the expense of one’s self. And it’s okay to go through bumps like that, but remember you are you no matter what anyone says, and you don’t anyone but YOU to validate that.

6 Months on T and counting..

Time flies, whether you're having a good experience or a bad one. I've been 6 months on my hormones and so mittle ( much and little ) has happened. So let's get the important part over with. 

Updates : 

-Way more leg hair. Here goes an updated pic..

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Now imagine this leg with no hair at all. That has been me my whole life. I am extremely hairless, but now hair is apart my daily life. 

- More aroused... that never changes. 

- My emotions are everywhere. I definitely am just irritated more , I honestly don;t think that will change. I used to have anger problems and they're slowly coming back, which sucks. I am doing my best to control it, and for the most part I do. It only comes out when someone is constantly doing the same thing to annoy me. Other than that I am a happy boi. 

- My voice has dropped , it's dropping at a slow pace but I believe it's the right pace for me. 

6 Months has been just that to me. 

I am still have difficulties with not having a surgery date, not having my name changed and with my gender marker. All the legal processes you have to do to be who you want is exhausting. But has to be done regardless. 

I am two weeks away from being 7 months and I am excited for more. 

I'll update on my 7 month mark, hopefully by then I have a surgery date and date for court!

"This is the time to be selfish"

I was talking to a friend the other day on my transition and some personal things going on in my life in regards to my love life, family, etc. And the one thing they had to say to me was "this is the time to be selfish". 

When they said that I didn't quite agree with or understand why they would say that. I always try to live my life without being selfish. I like to do for others more than for myself. People would never know when something is going on with me because I don't like to burden others with my problems. Unless they were my partner or someone I'm intimate with. 

And after hearing my friend explain why they said that. Or what they thought my potential was.  I realized they were right. 

I feel sometimes well most times during a transition ( I speak from my experience ) I'm being pressured to accommodate other people. I try to speak "manly" or look more masculine. I attempt to fit in socially and speak on things I don't care about like sports, and cars. I even accept misgendering and misuse of pronouns because I don't want to embarrass anyone or call them out publicly. I even allow Cisgender folks to believe they have the right to share their opinion on trans issues/struggles. When that's not their place. 

And for once I'm learning to be selfish and understand the importance of self love. 

My transition is my transition. They are my experiences, and wants. NOT everyone will like what I do, and I will lose people along the way. I will disappoint others and never come close to meeting their expectations. But whats most important is me not losing me. I've always been proud of who I am, no matter what identity I've claimed. And I won't change that now. 

Being selfish during your transition is okay. You have already went through a time period where you had to tell yourself you weren't who you thought you were. You had to come out, as if your identity was a gran announcement, and while doing so you live in fear or constant risk of being harmed. And you while trying to mold yourself and learn about this beautiful being you're transitioning into. ( Physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally.) You still care about others. About how they feel about what YOU are doing with yourself, when you want how you want. 

Be selfish. Love yourself and have no regrets. You deserve to love you. 

Birth name..

I literally am beginning to feel nauseous when I hear my birth name. 

As much as I love my birth name, and what it meant to me. How it came about, which wasn't very creative, and what it meant to my parents. I.. I don't know. I associate it with misgendering. I associate it with struggle, I associate it with depression, and hate. I associate it with every person that thought it was funny to call me that despite what I asked them to call me. 

It brings back memories of my dad mistreating me and every tear I had shed for feeling confused. I love my story, I am grateful for my past. But I just don't want  to be sad anymore. I want to feel accepted, and just care free for once. Sometimes I want to live stealth and not have anyone know what my struggle is. 

I know that time will come soon, but for now. I want to be referred to my "preferred" name. And nothing else. 

My birth name is not a joke, its not a secret, it's not an insult, its just nothing. It's not me. 

Not anymore. 

"I felt you in my life before I ever thought to"

Your transition is not only yours. It's everyone whom you hold close to you as well. 

Some people may or may not agree, but when you love someone everything they do becomes apart of you. 

My transition was something I never thought would even happen because of the people I love. So once I began I always prided myself on doing things for myself. Until I met certain people. It not only because mine but ours. And I started thinking of best practices for everyone. 

Allowing misgendering, hiding myself, not speaking about certain things. And then I got tired again. And expected perfection from everyone. Which just became havoc. I can't live just for myself, the results are never how I want them to be. And I end up looking like someone I am not. A lot of trans folks, and even allies don't understand. They ridicule me for my choices, but I'm not perfect. And my transition is exactly that, my transition. 

I do it with others in mind. For them and for myself. Now do I do this perfectly? Far from it. However I try, because like I said, these are people I love

If you're dealing with dysphoria right now...

1. Take a deep breath. Relax, allow yourself to think straight.

2. Have hope. One day this will be all over. We feel depression because we see no future, but I promise there is one.

3. Express how you feel. If you need to draw, write, play sports do it! Find something that you like, and express your full emotions while doing so.

4. Talk Talk about how you feel, whether it’s to a friend or even to yourself! ( No you’re not crazy. ) Talk, you need to say how you feel and what you feel and make goals for yourself.

5. Understand what you’re feeling. Listen to yourself and understand exactly what you’re feeling. We all as humans have goals and have places in our lives we would like to be. Don’t feel alone.

6. Remember you are important. Your trials and struggles in life are here to make you stronger. You’ve made it to this point. You’ve done it be proud of yourself.

Love yourself you are bold, you are beautiful and you are important.